An Ode to Plastic Water Bottles

(Ok I don’t actually know what an ode is. I just liked the way it sounded)

Confession: I love plastic water bottles. I love buying the giant Smart Waters before my sweaty yoga class. I love going to Whole Foods and getting the $0.79 squeezy bottle of electrolyte water that probably doesn’t do anything but I like it. I love the sound that the bottle makes when you start to unscrew the top and that first rush of cold water. I love walking across the street after a night at my favorite bar to be greeted by the warm glow of the red CVS letters and a giant cold Fiji water. I love watching Instagram stories and seeing what new hot water that celebrities are drinking. And I love buying it.

I like water. It’s kind of my thing.

I’m definitely not one of those people who claim to not like water, or say they need to add Crystal Lite or whatever flavor to want to drink it. I don’t really like flavored water or Vitamin Water. I don’t even really need fruit floating in it. Unless it’s grapefruit. Basically, I want water. And I want it to be in a plastic bottle that I pluck off a cold pharmacy/ grocery store shelf.

I have taken a lot of flak for this love. It’s somewhat forbidden. I’ve been reminded that it’s not good for the environment to use the plastic and maybe there are chemicals in the plastic and make sure you don’t freeze the water in the bottle and then drink it once it’s thawed and don’t you know how easy it is to get a reusable bottle and you bought that reusable Starbucks cup with the straw so buying a bottle for water shouldn’t be that hard.

But, it is.

I’m not especially proud of it, and my nice boss is super anti-plastic water bottle so if I bring one to work I have to hide it.

See: forbidden love.

Ugh. But now, I can’t buy them anymore. Because, as you may have heard, the planet is totally fucked.

My Final Beloved Water Bottle

That big UN report freaked me out. And for very good reason. I don’t enjoy children, so I don’t envision myself having them. However, I would like to live on a functioning planet past 2040! And I would like my brother’s future kids to have an Earth to live on. And we can’t really rely on Elon Musk to save us, because he seems to be self-combusting.

I know me not having plastic bottles anymore isn’t going to solve everything, Or probably anything. And my not eating much beef anymore will probably only make me angry every time I drive down Pico or toward the mall.

What I do know, and stole from someone who I would swear was  Ben Rhodes -- but I now can't find it in his book-- who was quoting Barack Obama, is that better is good.

I think about that every single day. Better is good. It’s not everything, but it’s something I can do.

So I will no longer be purchasing plastic water bottles.

God (I don’t really believe in) help me.